Wednesday Hospital Update

2:30 A.M
Here is what Dr. Ayyanar is thinking. She has a virus that has shut down her bone marrow and that is why her HGB and PLT are not maintaining transfusions and why her ANC dropped down to nearly nothing. So she received more blood and started doing a shot in her leg once a night to stimulate her bone marrow so it will produce and do it quicker than it is. At least this is the best I can explain it. I asked her if they were thinking relapse at all. She said no, not right now. ViviAnne is not presenting with other factors that they typically see in relapse. So good! IF these shots and transfusions don't hold her levels up then they will be looking into checking for a relapse. Kind of a non-committal answer but a plan with answers none the less.

SO, here is what I as the Mommy and the ever present person knows and fears. I know VivIAnne's diagnosis nearly 2 years ago was not typical. She did not have many factors that jumped out as Cancer and she had some things that suggested it was not Cancer. So telling me that she is not showing the typical signs of relapse is not comforting to me. Also, I know that Dr. Ayyanar is being truthful when she says that certain viruses in our Cancer kids can suppress the bone marrow to the point of nearly shutting off. And so going this route first is the best and most logical. And I am really hopeful and positive that this in fact the case. I do not have a heightened sense that relapse is here. Is it a fear, yes of course. It is a fear that every Cancer Mom and Cancer patient has. It is ever present. But do I really have my gut telling me that is the case, no. I am positive and hopeful her bone marrow will start to produce the necessary blood to survive and that she will not relapse.

It is now 3 A.M. She has a fever. CRAP! She had been fever free for over 24 hours. She is turning circles in her bed and talking with a whimper. She just spoke of shots. Love her heart I just wish I could trade places with her. I would. I would do all of this for her.

You may wonder how I do it. Often people outside of the Cancer world wonder that about those of us in it. Well, I can tell you this about me. When I am in the hospital with her my "energy level" or what some people call their "oara" drops down to nothing. I don't get panicked or anxious or mad easily. I do not get overly excited either. And if I do it is short lived and never in her presence. So even though my mind turns and burns I do not physically or verbally manifest these thoughts nor do I turn them into real feelings. Maybe this is also why the nights are hard for me. I have to work harder to not let my body and soul react to the fears and thoughts. They have to remain only in my mind and at arms length and in the dark nights it is harder.

I suppose if I really think about it I don't have the option or the knowledge to do it any other way. The fears are real but I don't want her to see or feel my fears, she is the one physically bearing the brunt of all this. Anxiety is no good cause I have no where to go and fighting against that fact is futile. Mad gets me no where either. So I sit. It is like my whole body goes into slow mode. I have to be Mommy and I have to be patient Mommy so no other emotion can be too strong. I do not think about doing this mental/spiritual/physical slow down. It just happens. I've learned that when a Doctor or Nurse tells you the results won't take long you are really looking at a 6 hour wait. Now, outside of the hospital 6 hours does equate to "not long" for me. But in here, it does.

This is another reason I do not talk on the phone too much. Talking about it to multiple people and answering questions or hearing their concerns makes it more difficult to keep my emotions under control. So, I go radio silent to many of you. The blog has helped. I don't feel like this is talking. I go at my own pace and when I want to. It is selfish and I am sure some people close to me feel slighted and that is not my intent. But I have to stay calm and patient for ViviAnne and this is the only way I know how.

I did feel peace today while watching her sleep at 7PM. She was getting her blood so the color was coming back to her cheeks and she was sleeping so peacefully. I just sat on her bed and watched her. I had no fears and no what ifs running through my mind. Just peace. I find myself watching her more this time. Really looking at her. She is so beautiful and smart. She told Dr. Ayyanar, who was speaking about how ViviAnne was when she was first diagnosed and how angry she was with the doctors and nurses every time they came in her room, that the story was so embarrassing. Exact words, "this is so embarrassing". Now, how many 4 year olds would say that to their doctor? She was so right on and did not lose her cool just said it. She cracks me up. After getting her shot tonight she told her nurse, "tomorrow night give my shot to another patient". I thought her nurse was gonna lose it! She also has the eye rolling of a 14 year old girl down pat!!

I really should try to sleep. I think the Tylenol might be kicking in. She is sleeping peacefully now. Good night all. Thanks for the prayers and warm thoughts. I am grateful for each of them and even though I have gone "radio silent" I want you to know I appreciate you and your prayers. God bless.