Fears still lie in the quiet dark

ViviAnne is back in the hospital. Friday morning around 4 she woke up with a stomach ache and a fever. I took her to the clinic first thing that morning to find her ANC at 100, her HGB at 7.8 and her Platelets at 78 all wrapped up with a temp of 102. So we were sent directly to the hospital. It is now 5 A.M on Monday morning, we are still here.

Over the weekend she has had a blood transfusion and a platelet transfusion. She has battled high fevers, low temps. and shaking. She has tested positive for C. Differential, an infection in the intestines/colon. It is painful and causes big potty issues. She is experiencing it all. On Saturday she sat next to me and moned for about an hour or so. Friday I spent most of the time in bed with her cause she felt so crapppy. Sunday she perked up but did have some icky times. Sunday her ANC was 10!

So, here I am again. Lying on an uncomfortable love seat thing with sheets that turn into a wrinkled balled up mess and I am facing my fears. I lie here with the all too familiar sounds of the hum of the air being filtered, the I.V pump squeezing fluids and the clock. The blasted clock in this room is loud! I can hear the seconds ticking away. My mind races as I go over all the blood work and tests they've done through the course of the weekend. Negative for Hepatitis, negative for Coomes, Pancreas working properly, Liver NOT going into liver failure yet. Liver enzymes high, Billy Rubin high, ANC low, HGB up but still anemic, Platelets up but still low......what does this all mean? I pull myself back from thinking the worst and just remind myself that she is sick and that is what this all means. SHE HAS LEUKEMIA DUMMY!

But still, here in the dark running on an average of 4 hours asleep a night, it is hard not to get lost in your fears. During the day I am distracted with tending to ViviAnne. Here in the quiet, but noisy, dark my mind turns and burns with questions and what ifs. And I think of Cooper. I miss my little man and feel like I am failing him. He is struggling with bad allergies and I just want to hold him. Love on him and listen to him talk. He is so funny.

The night in the hospital is lonely. You are reminded how isolated you are and how the world still goes on even though your world has been forced inside these four walls. It is a must in order for her to survive and I would not be anywhere else. But doing this again and again, and I think we are one of the lucky ones, can really do a number on your head. Facing demons and fears in the dark of a hospital room that no Mother and Child should have to face; and yet here we are.