Well, she is 6 and has 3 less teeth than she started the week with! We also had a clinic visit on Friday. Her WBC's and ANC were higher than usual for her. Not too high like out of the normal range but high for her. Now, this is more than likely attributed to all the gunk her allergies are causing her to fight so we are not at all concerned that her norms are higher than her norms. Does that make sense? Also this means she's is 1 month away from celebrating 1 year cancer free!! The Docs say that after reaching your first year marker your chances for relapse decrease. No I don't know by how much nor do I know what her chances percentage wise WERE to relapse these past 11 months. I don't see the point in knowing these statistics, they get me NO WHERE. I can't stop the cancer from coming back no more than I could stop the cancer from happening in the first place!! "It is what it is." So I find no real comfort in the fact that she is reaching her year maker as being somehow "safe". Nor do I sit around and dwell on the what ifs or wring my hands with worry or make up statistics in my head just to "make it all better". Cause that is not who I am. I'm not a stick my head in the sand kind of a person nor am I a make crap up so that everything will be all better kind of a person. Tell me what I'm dealing with when I'm dealing with it and I'll do it. I'm not gonna borrow trouble nor am I gonna ignore it or sugar coat it.
Don't take any of that as me being somehow ungrateful that she is 11 months cancer free cause I am NOT ungrateful. I thank the Lord every day for my kids and their health and their LIVES!!! I am very grateful!! I am just real about it. The percentage of this or that happening means nothing to me. I am trying to live a healthy life physically and spiritually and mentally and I am trying to raise my kids to be healthy in those ways too. That is the best we can do. The rest is out of our hands. Let me see if I can break down my thoughts on statistics when it comes to cancer. A doctor told a friend of mine something to this extent (it is not verbatim).....if you make it cancer free for 5 years your chances of living longer without cancer increases than if you only make it 3 years cancer free. WHAT?!?! Yeah, you just lived cancer free for 5 years rather than 3, you just lived 2 more years of cancer free!! Now, I realize he could have meant your chances after beating cancer for a second time but still, the way the stats are presented and manipulated just render them useless to me.
I have complete peace that ViviAnne is fine and cancer free tonight and will wake up tomorrow in the same exact cancer free place. The rest is outta my hands. Thank goodness!!!
SO, she is 6 and Cancer Free and this year life is far less stressful than it was last year and the year before that AND the year before that!!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Time Flies
WOW! This summer went by fast! I can not BELIEVE that ViviAnne is in Kindergarten!!! She is also gonna be 6 this week!!! MAN! She has grown up so fast!
I was thinking the other day while I was making the bed, cause that particular task does not take a lot of brain power, how people kept telling me that if I could just hang on during treatment that I would get my baby back. I pondered that statement, and have many times, usually coming up with the fact that I"m angry because I didn't get her back! I have had to re learn her and I've had to forgive myself for the times I didn't realize it was the drugs and just over all feeling like crap that caused her to behave a certain way. Anyway, this day while making the beds and pondering I realized that in reality getting her back was not truly ever an option for us. She was 2 when she was diagnosed. She was 5 and a half when the drugs were supposed to be gone and she'd "come back". But the fact of the matter is she did in fact grow and change and came out the other side a different person. We all did. So I really shouldn't be angry that I didn't get her back. I should be thankful that she is who she is and that she is this little tender hearted, mothering, smart girl who has an old soul and who is very intuitive. So intuitive! She can read a situation and understand it on a level that other kids her age can't. It sometimes makes the social aspect of her life harder but as a friend of mine pointed out that gift of hers will be a great asset as an adult and teenager which is really what is important!! It's the long haul to look at not the immediate.
She is so amazing! She watches out for her brother and he loves to be with her. He is so sweet! Sweet and funny and I love the fact that they have a bond that is so strong!!
Our little family is growing and finding our way and I have a strong faith in the fact that we will be strong and wonderful for many years to come, regardless of what else gets thrown at us. It is like Brent told our kids, we believe that God is in control of our lives and will always do what is best for us so in reality we don't need to worry, cause God is in control!!
"God's way is perfect" Psalm 18:30
I was thinking the other day while I was making the bed, cause that particular task does not take a lot of brain power, how people kept telling me that if I could just hang on during treatment that I would get my baby back. I pondered that statement, and have many times, usually coming up with the fact that I"m angry because I didn't get her back! I have had to re learn her and I've had to forgive myself for the times I didn't realize it was the drugs and just over all feeling like crap that caused her to behave a certain way. Anyway, this day while making the beds and pondering I realized that in reality getting her back was not truly ever an option for us. She was 2 when she was diagnosed. She was 5 and a half when the drugs were supposed to be gone and she'd "come back". But the fact of the matter is she did in fact grow and change and came out the other side a different person. We all did. So I really shouldn't be angry that I didn't get her back. I should be thankful that she is who she is and that she is this little tender hearted, mothering, smart girl who has an old soul and who is very intuitive. So intuitive! She can read a situation and understand it on a level that other kids her age can't. It sometimes makes the social aspect of her life harder but as a friend of mine pointed out that gift of hers will be a great asset as an adult and teenager which is really what is important!! It's the long haul to look at not the immediate.
She is so amazing! She watches out for her brother and he loves to be with her. He is so sweet! Sweet and funny and I love the fact that they have a bond that is so strong!!
Our little family is growing and finding our way and I have a strong faith in the fact that we will be strong and wonderful for many years to come, regardless of what else gets thrown at us. It is like Brent told our kids, we believe that God is in control of our lives and will always do what is best for us so in reality we don't need to worry, cause God is in control!!
"God's way is perfect" Psalm 18:30
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