"Cancer is Yucky."

Hi all! Well here in our house we are never dull. Let me explain. We are a passionate, loud, crazy and sometimes just plain "not right". From the outside looking in we may seem to be pissed off a lot. And to some extent we are. (We are working on it.) From the inside looking in we love hard and loud, we fight hard and loud, we play hard and loud and heck we even sleep hard and loud! (Both kids talk in their sleep.) And we are a work in progress. At night I go to bed and think about all the things I could have done better or just did plain wrong. I ask God to forgive me and help to guide me to raise our children the way He has called them to live. To do what is right by Him and the kids. Basically I ask for help to not screw it all up!

Yesterday, Cooper had his 4 year old check up. I know, I'm 2 months late. Anyway. He is doing great! He is 75-90% in height and 75% in weight. He is a good little guy. They did a CBC and his blood work looked perfect!! YAY!!! They also gave him 5 shots in his legs. 3 in one leg and 2 in the other. So last night he ran a slight fever, threw up once and completely gave up on walking by dinner. This morning he wasn't much into walking but I told him if he could not walk he could not go to school. And today was a big day for him, he was the show and teller! So by lunch he was walking better and went to school. He said he put his picture on "Grumpy" for the "How are you feeling today chart". That is fine. I'd be grumpy too. He is night and day compared to Viv when it comes to everything. Including medical procedures. I am still figuring him out and his needs when it comes to illness and such. I know it sounds silly him being 4 and me still working on that but he was not a sick kid these past years (thankfully!) and I am so used to how Viv is when she is sick. And like I said, they are total opposites in nearly every aspect of life. Except one. Both of the kids are affectionate with us. They both love to snuggle and cuddle and just be close. Which for Brent and I is just fine. We are cuddly too!!

Now on to Viv's "biggie" for the week. Today while Cooper was at school she and I were driving down the road to home and she started to talk about her hair. Seriously, I am so over the hair talks. It is every day, more than once a day. I'm a bit burnt. But I let her talk and boy am I glad I did. I won't go word for word on the conversation because there were tears from her and a couple of "no, no, no, you don't understand" but I assured her I wanted to understand if she could please explain it again. So it went something like this. "When I had Cancer no one really liked me because of my Cancer and because I was gone so much. And now that I don't have Cancer people like me okay. But I don't have long hair like all the other girls. But I have hair when the Cancer girls don't." So I said, "So you feel kinda stuck in the middle and not sure where you belong?" And she said, "No, I feel like it is starting new! Now that I don't have Cancer I feel like I am starting new! And I don't like it!" I"m trying to gather my thoughts and all I can say to her is "Me Too! It feels kinda like I am starting new too now that you don't have Cancer! But by the time you're 6 (cause she is still working on concept of time) I bet it won't feel new to us and more. And all those yucky feelings you have on the inside about it right now won't be there any more. And when you see someone who is different, like in a wheelchair or with braces on their legs, you need to be nice to them and treat them kindly because you don't want them to feel bad and lonely like you felt when you had Cancer." And she said, "I know! I just don't like my cancer!" And so I said, "I know you don't. But, I don't think you should be embarrassed about Cancer because you won! You beat cancer and you should be proud of yourself!" And she said, "So I was in first place?!" Me: "No, no, no, you weren't racing. It was you against cancer and Noah against his Cancer and C.J against his cancer and like that." And she said the most amazing things next, as if she hadn't already. "Oh, so there are people still fighting their cancers but I fought mine and won?!" So I said, "Yes, some are still fighting. Others have won too and some have lost." (Okay, maybe I should have left that last part out to my 5 year old. It just kinda came out) So this is where we landed. Mind you most of this has been through her choking back tears. She says to me, "I don't want to talk about this any more. I don't like Cancer. Cancer is yucky."

So, we stopped talking about it. I did say something to her about an hour after this to tell her that I was proud of her and love her and that if she ever wanted to talk more about her Cancer she could talk to me any time. Or her Daddy. She said, "yeah, cause I beat Cancer. Cause the medicine worked." And I told her, "Yes, and you are a very strong smart little girl with a great brain and a beautiful strong heart. And together with the medicine you won! And I can't wait for you to show people how beautiful you are on the inside as you grow up!" And she gave me a big hug and said, "Guess what. I named my brain Thinker. Get it, cause it makes me think?!?!"

And that was that. My little glimpse into how she is thinking and feeling about where she is now on her Cancer journey was over. And that was fine. We moved at her pace and I tried my best to say the right things and sound sure of what I was saying and reassuring without sounding mad. I know that sounds weird but sometimes she takes my assured voice as a mad/angry voice. Which I don't yell it at her but I don't talk all sing songy oozing with sweetness either. Maybe I should, but I just talk to her like she is a person. I try to use words and examples for her level but the way I deliver it is just like I were talking to anyone else. Hope I didn't screw it up.

Again, her maturity and way with words astounds me. The way in which she can express herself never ceases to amaze me. I think this is another reason why I hate to see her have any struggles with the "friend" department. Well, any struggles at all. I feel like she has been through so much and knows so much and understands feelings on a level that the other 5 year old girls and boys just don't. And how do I keep her with having this empathy and internal beauty and be true to herself without hiding it/ignoring it just to fit in? How do I instill confidence in her without her being a "mean girl"? How do I appreciate her "mouth/brain" and still teach her that she needs to learn when to keep her "mouth/brain" shut? These are just some of the questions I have about raising her.

We go to clinic tomorrow for a check up. Hopefully everything will be fine. I"m sure it will.

Thanks for all your support and prayers.

And Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to me, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Another E.R. visit...why not

So Viv has been running high fevers since Thursday evening. Like upwards of 103. YIKES! And then on Friday she complained of her neck hurting in the back. I figured, oh a krick in her neck. I felt her neck and yes she had swollen lymphnodes but she is supposed to right? Well, Saturday MORE fevers and more complaining of neck pain to the point of unable to move it without Motrin or Advil. So after having a panic attack and multiple calls to my Mom, who is a nurse with vested interest, it was decided I should call the doctor. So I called her regular pediatrician. She wanted her to go to the E.R to check for strep and Minigitious. Given her recent history she just did not want to sit on it till Monday. So off we went!

No strep, no need for a Spinal Tap to check for Minigtious, thank goodness. The doctor did note VERY LARGE swollen lymphnodes in her neck. Only her neck. (Yuck, that is exactly like last time. I have been in knots even since the high fever spike!) The doctor went on and did a CBC. The moment of truth was coming. And thankfully she is fine. Her WBC's and ANC were very high but the Doctor said they are supposed to be. With Lymphnodes that large her body is obviously fighting off something, not strep though, so High Counts are too be expected even wanted. I had to have the doctor explain it to me. I knew how it all worked but this has not been our normal. Too high of counts has always been bad. Now, it is good. It isn't that I think the Doctor at the E.R. is wrong, because I know she is not, but it seems too good to be true. What? We dodge the bullet? The other shoe isn't gonna come falling through the clouds? I can breathe? Are you sure? I mean are really sure? But it's true. She is normal and sick and fine. Still gonna do a round of antibiotics to play it safe but other than that she's good to go!

So I know she is fine. And I had a couple of hours to pray and get myself chilled out before we actually left for the E.R and I was sure in my gut that she had not relapsed. Okay, so that evil 5% was there but I was 95% sure she was not facing relapse. That even though the past two nights have been flash backs to what it was like 3 years ago, this time we are not headed for a 4 month long journey of trying to figure out what is wrong. This time she is normal, sick kid.

Still gonna see the oncologist this week anyway but that was already scheduled. So I'm gonna sleep tonight. At least until she wakes me up with a fever again. Ha ha ha.

This is a pic from today after Pre-K. We played with her hair and even though she wanted two french braids down the sides of her head I could not quite do it with her silky hair. I told her we would try when it is wet tonight. But...we did get Pig Tails!! Yay! It has been a year since pig tails!!! Again, I might be the one who is the most excited! All though I am not making too big of a deal about it to her. Because after all, hair is merely an accessory!

Also, her cast. You can't see the purple sparks in this picture but trust me they are on there!

80 degrees yesterday and 39 degrees today. Happy Spring!!

So, I guess I'm gonna keep going

Well, I have had a couple of people request I continue this blog. And after some thought I've decided to do it. As long as I can think it is worth it. I kinda felt like it would be me just talking for the sake of talking BUT I think, like my dear friend pointed out, that people who are in the storm of Cancer might find some little nugget of hope from seeing a family struggling but doing it AFTER Cancer.

Because like I've said, this is a NEW life. There is no going back to the way it was. And honestly, I don't think I'd want to. NEVER thought I'd say that!! Don't get me wrong I am not at all saying I am thankful for Viv's cancer diagnosis, because I AM NOT, but the things I have learned and gained from it I am thankful for. Example A, I have a pretty no nonsense approach to Doctors and Hospitals and Insurance now. Lets lay it all out there and deal with it and talk to me like I have a brain cause I do!! Example B, last week Viv broke her arm. I know, I know you're thinking WHAT?!?! But really I was not at all phased by this. I did not get angry, anxious, worried nothing. It was almost like I felt NOTHING. I mean of course I felt bad for her for being in pain and that she has to be in a cast for 5 weeks but other than that I was good. Okay, I'll tell you what happened. She was at my Mother and Father in laws' house and they have a patch of woods on their property. Well, our "little ballerina" was walking across a log, as to not be out done by her little bother, and she fell. She fell and hit her arm on the ground. But first and foremost she fell in the mud! She was most upset about the mud! When Kim, my mother in law, called me to tell me that Viv had hurt her arm I could hear Viv crying but still the mud was a BIG issue. I arrived to find Viv sitting in Grandma's lap all clean and she said through her tears, "I got MUD in my pretty hair! It was disgusting!" To which I said, "I'm sorry. Did you hurt your arm?" "yeah, I think I broke my arm, Mommy." She too was very matter of fact about it. True she was crying but she was fine. By the time I got her to the ER she was in no tears and never cried again. They hooked her up with Toy Story 3 and she was good. The nurses kept telling me how good and easy she is. To which I said, "She is a Cancer Survivor." So yeah she is good and easy in the hospital, it was a second home! BUT neither she nor I got really flustered or upset. Whatever, she broke her arm. Stick a cast on her and we're good. I can do broken arms. Heck, I can DO cancer. I'll choose broken arm but whatever! So she is sporting a Hot Pink with Purple sparkles cast. Because every girl needs some bling!!!

Brent still got upset that she broke her arm. He kinda went to the same angry spot I've seen him go to in the past 3 years. Now, this is not b/c Brent is an out of control person. It is because Brent HATES to see his children get hurt!! Hates it so much that he/we hover over of them A LOT!!! But he did not stay in this angry mode, which is good. Because it has taken us MONTHS to get out of that mode. But that is another post all together. Probably more than one post!

So we are doing good. Enjoying our crazy Spring weather even with the allergies and finding our way as a family.

If I can figure out how to get the pics of Viv and her cast off of my phone and on to here I will. No promises on that one!