Is this the end or the beginning or just a turn of the page?
I have not posted in a long time on purpose. The end of chemo was a mixture of happy and nervous emotions. Letting go of anxieties, anger and fears and embracing our new life has been more difficult than people want it to be. I am sure people on the outside looking in want to shake us and say “get over it”. But living it day in and day out changes you. For the good and for the bad. So I guess that is why I wonder is it the end, beginning or just a turn of the page?
We've mentioned in previous blog posts that we have not ever really questioned why ViviAnne/us? The question will never have an answer that will suffice. The real question is why anyone? Why should anyone suffer cancer? Again, no answer is good enough. So I have chosen that with all that I have had no control over, many times even my own emotions felt out of control, I will move on past this chemo journey changed for the better. I hope to learn from our struggles and come out the other side a better person for it. I would have loved to have learned to not be judgmental, to love deeply, to stand my ground, to pick my battles and want to be a service to others in a different way. A way that did not cause my baby to hurt and suffer; but that was not the cards we were dealt. So I am going to choose to put our lives back together in a way that fosters my newly learned traits. And trust me, we are putting our family back together one tear, one fight and one therapy session at a time.
My prayer is that God lead us through this new part of our journey. There is no going back. Brent and I can't even recall who we were before Cancer. Those people are not even memories, they have been erased entirely. The good part is we have chosen to pick up and learn one another together. To learn how to parent and live and create the family life we want for ourselves. I still mourn the loss of what was. I still have fears that I will fail at this new us because we don't really know what that is. And even though I have said we could learn to live a life that is not day to day in reality that is not the case. We are still day to day in many aspects. Taking it one day at a time. Rebuilding us one day, one break down and one laughter at a time. Any more than that still sends me into a tail spin. We're healing; physically and emotionally and spiritually.
So where will this blog go? I don't know. It may end. It may change with us. I do know that if we decide to end the blog this won't be the last entry.
Thank you for your years of prayers.
