"Cancer is Yucky."

Hi all! Well here in our house we are never dull. Let me explain. We are a passionate, loud, crazy and sometimes just plain "not right". From the outside looking in we may seem to be pissed off a lot. And to some extent we are. (We are working on it.) From the inside looking in we love hard and loud, we fight hard and loud, we play hard and loud and heck we even sleep hard and loud! (Both kids talk in their sleep.) And we are a work in progress. At night I go to bed and think about all the things I could have done better or just did plain wrong. I ask God to forgive me and help to guide me to raise our children the way He has called them to live. To do what is right by Him and the kids. Basically I ask for help to not screw it all up!

Yesterday, Cooper had his 4 year old check up. I know, I'm 2 months late. Anyway. He is doing great! He is 75-90% in height and 75% in weight. He is a good little guy. They did a CBC and his blood work looked perfect!! YAY!!! They also gave him 5 shots in his legs. 3 in one leg and 2 in the other. So last night he ran a slight fever, threw up once and completely gave up on walking by dinner. This morning he wasn't much into walking but I told him if he could not walk he could not go to school. And today was a big day for him, he was the show and teller! So by lunch he was walking better and went to school. He said he put his picture on "Grumpy" for the "How are you feeling today chart". That is fine. I'd be grumpy too. He is night and day compared to Viv when it comes to everything. Including medical procedures. I am still figuring him out and his needs when it comes to illness and such. I know it sounds silly him being 4 and me still working on that but he was not a sick kid these past years (thankfully!) and I am so used to how Viv is when she is sick. And like I said, they are total opposites in nearly every aspect of life. Except one. Both of the kids are affectionate with us. They both love to snuggle and cuddle and just be close. Which for Brent and I is just fine. We are cuddly too!!

Now on to Viv's "biggie" for the week. Today while Cooper was at school she and I were driving down the road to home and she started to talk about her hair. Seriously, I am so over the hair talks. It is every day, more than once a day. I'm a bit burnt. But I let her talk and boy am I glad I did. I won't go word for word on the conversation because there were tears from her and a couple of "no, no, no, you don't understand" but I assured her I wanted to understand if she could please explain it again. So it went something like this. "When I had Cancer no one really liked me because of my Cancer and because I was gone so much. And now that I don't have Cancer people like me okay. But I don't have long hair like all the other girls. But I have hair when the Cancer girls don't." So I said, "So you feel kinda stuck in the middle and not sure where you belong?" And she said, "No, I feel like it is starting new! Now that I don't have Cancer I feel like I am starting new! And I don't like it!" I"m trying to gather my thoughts and all I can say to her is "Me Too! It feels kinda like I am starting new too now that you don't have Cancer! But by the time you're 6 (cause she is still working on concept of time) I bet it won't feel new to us and more. And all those yucky feelings you have on the inside about it right now won't be there any more. And when you see someone who is different, like in a wheelchair or with braces on their legs, you need to be nice to them and treat them kindly because you don't want them to feel bad and lonely like you felt when you had Cancer." And she said, "I know! I just don't like my cancer!" And so I said, "I know you don't. But, I don't think you should be embarrassed about Cancer because you won! You beat cancer and you should be proud of yourself!" And she said, "So I was in first place?!" Me: "No, no, no, you weren't racing. It was you against cancer and Noah against his Cancer and C.J against his cancer and like that." And she said the most amazing things next, as if she hadn't already. "Oh, so there are people still fighting their cancers but I fought mine and won?!" So I said, "Yes, some are still fighting. Others have won too and some have lost." (Okay, maybe I should have left that last part out to my 5 year old. It just kinda came out) So this is where we landed. Mind you most of this has been through her choking back tears. She says to me, "I don't want to talk about this any more. I don't like Cancer. Cancer is yucky."

So, we stopped talking about it. I did say something to her about an hour after this to tell her that I was proud of her and love her and that if she ever wanted to talk more about her Cancer she could talk to me any time. Or her Daddy. She said, "yeah, cause I beat Cancer. Cause the medicine worked." And I told her, "Yes, and you are a very strong smart little girl with a great brain and a beautiful strong heart. And together with the medicine you won! And I can't wait for you to show people how beautiful you are on the inside as you grow up!" And she gave me a big hug and said, "Guess what. I named my brain Thinker. Get it, cause it makes me think?!?!"

And that was that. My little glimpse into how she is thinking and feeling about where she is now on her Cancer journey was over. And that was fine. We moved at her pace and I tried my best to say the right things and sound sure of what I was saying and reassuring without sounding mad. I know that sounds weird but sometimes she takes my assured voice as a mad/angry voice. Which I don't yell it at her but I don't talk all sing songy oozing with sweetness either. Maybe I should, but I just talk to her like she is a person. I try to use words and examples for her level but the way I deliver it is just like I were talking to anyone else. Hope I didn't screw it up.

Again, her maturity and way with words astounds me. The way in which she can express herself never ceases to amaze me. I think this is another reason why I hate to see her have any struggles with the "friend" department. Well, any struggles at all. I feel like she has been through so much and knows so much and understands feelings on a level that the other 5 year old girls and boys just don't. And how do I keep her with having this empathy and internal beauty and be true to herself without hiding it/ignoring it just to fit in? How do I instill confidence in her without her being a "mean girl"? How do I appreciate her "mouth/brain" and still teach her that she needs to learn when to keep her "mouth/brain" shut? These are just some of the questions I have about raising her.

We go to clinic tomorrow for a check up. Hopefully everything will be fine. I"m sure it will.

Thanks for all your support and prayers.

And Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to me, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14