3 Years Later

Three years ago we were thrown into the cancer world on July 15th. Each year around this date we get a little anxious. It just kind of happens. This year we spent the day just like any other day. I wondered how it would feel this year considering ViviAnne is no longer in treatment. I wondered if I would be upset or anxious again. I didn't feel like I would be. I wondered if by going to Chicago with ViviAnne, Grandma and Aunt Stacey I was some how ignoring this anniversary. Almost like doing it an injustice considering Brent and Cooper would be without us. But, I just rolled with it. So off we went to Chicago while Daddy and Coop stayed home and camped and fished and spent some good "MAN" time together while us "girls" took in the sites in Chicago! And I'm sooo gland I did!!!

Chicago was great! ViviAnne was so good. She walked and walked Michigan Avenue with us and took an hour and a half Architecture Boat tour without complaint. Considering her time to the American Girl Doll Place was not until the second day of our trip she did great behaving!! It was wonderful to enjoy her and see what a big girl she is becoming. I thought about how far she's come in the past 3 years. How much she has changed and endured and came out the other side of it smart, sweet and tender hearted. Now, she is still incredibly head strong and a handful at times but I have to remind myself that this fight that is naturally inside of her has been a blessing for her. The fight and do not back down stance she takes with me is the exact kind of character she needed to beat cancer. To not fear it but take it head on! And this is who she is! And I love her for all of it!!!

So we have another big milestone to celebrate this year during this time of year. Her very FIRST tooth came out!! No taking in heavy doses of chemo and steroids but rather losing a tooth was her reality this year! I pulled it for her and she was amazed at how some thing that could bleed like that did not hurt. She has a proud smile showing off the hole in her teeth!

Three years have past and I can honestly, HONESTLY say that we are a joyful home. I gave good lip service to us being fine but the truth was we were as fine and as happy as we good be. I just need to learn to accept the feelings for what they are/were and not put so much pressure on myself and my family to be a certain way. But I have been trying to let that go and when I think about it we are joyful and happy just the way we are. With all of our noise and mistakes and fears I wouldn't really change much about us, or our past. It has made us, us. I can sit around and wish cancer hadn't happened to my baby but it did. It is what it is. We are moving on. We still carry our scares and I still can't look at pictures of the past but I'm not gonna beat myself up about any of that. It is what it is. And I'm not gonna feel guilty that this past week wasn't some how "memorialized" as it has been in the past. It didn't phase me and I think that is a good thing.

So she is gearing up for Kindergarten and she is full of nervous and excited feelings. My job is to help her deal with those feelings and experiences. It will be new and a challenge but we'll figure it out and learn as we go just like we did with cancer.

Happy Summer!!