So I know I've been neglecting the blogs. And well, here is the thing...I just really don't feel like I have anything worthy of reading. Ever since she was released from the hospital in April, we have a pretty ho-hum life. I don't take them, Viv and Coop, really anywhere. We do Gilda's Club once a week, and now that the weather is hot, we swim at Grandma's about 3 times a week and that is about it. I will say this, Viv is a GREAT swimmer. She swims with no floaties/swim wings. She jumps off the diving board, goes face first down the blow-up slide and even spins mid air when she jumps off the board or the side into the pool. (Of course my heart about stops every time she does these "whirlly birds!!)
She is afraid of EVERYTHING on land and gets nervous when her tricycle goes too fast; but in the water she is a FISH!! That has really been the best part of summer, watching her just go to town in the pool! She is not good at running b/c of the muscle soreness with the chemo and I think she has just really taken to swimming.
It is great! Coop, well he swims but he is more of a guy who wants things on wheels! He loves bikes, big wheels and trucks and tractors. He has already requested that Nana get him something he can drive around at her new house. He is such a funny kid!! He also requested tools and a swing! All things man/boy related things, he LOVES!!
She had treatment last Friday and they increased chemo. They just can not keep her counts in the range they want them. Then when her counts do finally get into the right range she gets sick and they plummet! This balancing act and trying to figure out what it all means, if anything, is maddening!!
I have not only neglected the blog but family and friends too. I don't really do anything or call anyone. I just can't seem too. I'm struggling and maybe even more than I realize. I am spending what little energy I have on my kids, and then on some days there is some left over for Brent. He says he is fine with what I have to give him, that he is not feeling too neglected yet, so that is good. But I am just struggling. I know many people think I should be use to it or excited because treatment is coming near the end, but all I can say is this, sorry but I am not feeling any of that. I have to figure this out on my own time table and in the best way I know how for me and my family. That is the best I can do. And if that means I stay in this pit for a longer time than others think I should, then so be it. I am praying and doing all that I feel like I can do right now. Telling me how you feel is fine and great! I'm totally willing to listen and be happy for you. But expecting me, the MOMMY, who has been the very closest to this hell with her every step of the way and watched helplessly as my BABY is in hell, to just be okay, or happy, or over it/used to it is just not gonna happen. Brent and I have to figure this out. And me being where I am is making it harder, I know. So I've got that to figure out too.
So, that is that. I'm still day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I would someday like to not be in survival mode but that is all I have known for over 3 years now and I have that to figure out too. We'll see if my relationships with my kids and husband can ever get to a place I would really like for them to be and then be sustained in that place.
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