Sunday, May 1, 2011

Medals 4 Mettle

This weekend has really been something else. I know for many it would seem like just a normal, whatever weekend. But for me it was great! You see I have for the past, oh I don't know, 4 months or so been just mad!!! I feel like something is missing and I don't know what it is and I live up around an 7-8 on freak out level. Which before cancer was not me at all. I was pretty laid back. But now I'm the one people have to walk on egg shells around. Is she okay today or has she been on the brink of freak out most of the day? Who knows? I don't usually. My friends at Gilda's Club told me they think the reason I have such a feeling of unrest and anger is because cancer is gone. Huh? Then they explained. I lived for 3 years with a sick kid. The minute I let my guard down she would get knocked back down and in the hospital. The shoe always dropped on me. And NOW the shoe is not dropping but yet I'm still on edge waiting for it to. Even though I talk the talk of we are fine, I don't truly believe it to be so. Which to a big extent I agree with them. Thanks ladies for shedding some light on the subject. I can let my life be drama free as I like it and it will be okay. This too will take some time to adjust but I'll get there.

Anyway, I told you all that to tell you this. Saturday was the Mini Marathon in Louisville for the Kentucky Derby festival. Kim, Brent's mom, walked it and some other friends walked and ran it. ViviAnne on the other hand was not able to go watch because she had dance pictures!! So fun! We did make-up and full dress for her upcoming ballet recital. She missed her pictures last year from being too sick and in the hospital. Then she and I hung out with my Mom for a bit and then when we got home the kids and I were outside for 5 hours straight!!! Playing with the neighbor and working in the yard and both the kids played in the hose and were wet down to their undies!! It was great!! They were great!! No big fights only one freak out from Viv but it was very short and I kept my cool with the whole thing! (This is HUGE for us!) It was just a great day!!! And we were exhausted from all our play!!

Sunday I woke up feeling horrible!! Brent even commented that I looked like I was about to throw up and might wanna lay back down and not worry about the dirty kitchen, the dishes aren't going anywhere. Is this my husband? But I really did feel like crap. The kids were kinda grouchy but not terrible and we had a Medals 4 Mettle Awards ceremony too. Now neither Brent nor I really wanted to go. But I had told the ladies at the clinic we would be there. Medals 4 Mettle is when a U of L medical student trains and runs the Mini Marathon in honor of a Pediatric Cancer patient and then gives their Medal to the patient. Last year Viv never got to do this because she was too sick and in the hospital. But even though Brent and I really didn't want to go we went anyway. And I am so glad we did!! We heard Dr. B, the head of the clinic, speak about how important he thinks it is that these young aspiring doctors put faces, names, and reality to the diagnosis they are learning about in textbooks. That they learn first hand the PEOPLE that go with these diseases and their fights and see their courage first hand. To GIVE BACK to their fellow man! How awesome he is to be trying to instill this in his students. We heard from student runners, a Mom of a patient and from a 14 year old boy who is a patient and what Medals 4 Mettle meant to him. It was great! I am so thankful we did it. Because this is what is about for me now. Giving it back, paying it all forward. And I need/want to get to that state of mind on a more consistent basis.

When we got home ViviAnne said she was so excited for her "Graduation at school". You see, this time last year she was already pulled from school. She missed out on all of May and most of April so she never got to make the secret Father and Mother gifts or learn the graduation songs or do the Stick Horse Derby races and there was no end of year picnic for her. She just left school one day and never went back. She was in the hospital, and too sick when she got out too. Are you picking up on the trend here? This time last year Viv was in the fight, I mean really in the fight. Transfusions and relapse and transplants were all swirling around us. She remembers watching the Derby fireworks from the hospital window but nothing of school stuff. All last week I could tell she was so excited to go to school. She would be fully dressed and by my bed at 6:30 AM!! I knew they were doing fun stuff but hadn't thought that she would remember that this was all stuff she missed out on.

So the month of May is crazy for us. We have stuff all through the month. And as annoyed as Brent is with it all, he is so busy with work this extra stuff is stressful, I'm trying to just take it all in. Take it all in and run with it. Not get stressed and pissy. Not get short tempered or have anxiety attacks. But rather remember how thankful I am and should be that she is here this year! Here and not still fighting!!! Here with great counts (had them checked Friday) and excited to be a 5 year old Graduating from Pre-K! And I can cry because she is growing up. Even though the tears are mixed with tears of anxiety for fear that cancer will return too soon, thankfulness that she was spared and is still here with me, happy that she gets to live a 5 year old life outside of a hospital and wonder at how she can still bring people to their knees with her honesty and verbal skills! And that is all okay.
I'm trying to learn to accept for emotions, have them and then move on.

So as we enter Derby week I'm going to try to live in this moment. Show my thankfulness that she is here and not where we were last year and thankful that she didn't lose her fight. Live my thankfulness and smile and run and play and just be. I've tried to be present in the moments of my kids lives and I think these past 4 months I didn't do so hot. I was too wrapped up in my own anxiety and crap inside myself. The negative talk started to over take me again and being there at Medals 4 Mettle today I was reminded to stop it. To embrace my life even though it didn't play out like I thought it would. Even though I feel and know we are a lucky one I need to live that feeling!!! To give back to those around me. Cause the ones around me the most are little and looking up to me to guide them. And I don't want to guide them with all this anxiety. It is like I say to my children, "it's not always all about you." Well, it's not all about me either.

Happy Derby!!

2 comments:

Jenna said...

Hi Vivian!
My name is Jenna and I came across your site. U are a brave courageous fighter and a real inspiration. U will be in my thoughts and prayers.
www.miraclechamp.webs.com

Darren Demers said...

Anyway, I told you all that to tell you this. Saturday was the Mini Marathon in Louisville for the Kentucky Derby festival. Kim, Brent's mom, walked it and some other friends walked and ran it. ViviAnne on the other hand was not able to go watch because she had dance pictures!! So fun! We did make-up and full dress for her upcoming ballet recital. gul ahmed lawn , lawn suits online shopping , lawn dresses online , pakistani designer lawn suits , pakistani cotton suits online , lawn collection , lawn suit design , new lawn collection , unstitched suits pakistani , lawn suits with prices She missed her pictures last year from being too sick and in the hospital. Then she and I hung out with my Mom for a bit and then when we got home the kids and I were outside for 5 hours straight!!! Playing with the neighbor and working in the yard and both the kids played in the hose and were wet down to their undies!! It was great!! They were great!! No big fights only one freak out from Viv but it was very short and I kept my cool with the whole thing! (This is HUGE for us!) It was just a great day!!! And we were exhausted from all our play!!