I sat down at my computer tonight like I do every night after everyone goes to bed and the house is finally quiet. But unlike the typical nights I didn’t open up Autocad and get busy working on drawings or jump onto Facebook to follow everyone else’s life and procrastinate working. I didn’t check my email or the bank accounts. I just sat down and for some reason lost control of my emotions. Today was a normal day; no more stressful than any other, normal fights and fits, one kid went to bed easily, the other required some work, Kristen and I had few squabbles but nothing major.
I could not figure out what the hell was a matter with me. I thought to myself that I haven’t been a mess like this for a long time…for like a year…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. A little bit of panic set in. I had to find a picture or something so I started digging through the archives of my hard drive with some sense of urgency. I kept going further and further back in time. I could not find what I was looking for because I didn’t know what it was. The process of scavenging through pictures and blog post and old emails was like a horrible series of flashbacks. Like you would image your life passing before your eyes with every thumbnail and preview recalling a time or memory but everything that popped up on my screen was in the last 12 months. And then this image popped up…
And I realized it was what I was looking for and I just flat out lost it. This was one of my favorite pictures of ViviAnne before she was diagnosed. As stupid as it sounds, it’s like my subconscious had booked marked today’s date. I couldn’t remember my life before July 15th of last year.
I continued to dig through emails trying to recover what I was doing, what I thought and cared about because I clearly don’t anymore. I don’t remember a lot of things from High School and College…but there is a logical explanation for that. Why can’t I see back just 13 months ago? The more I think about it the more I realized that I have been doing this for the past few weeks leading up to today. Taking ViviAnne yesterday to meet people and see jobs I work on in 2007, All of us going to Lexington in the middle of a day on a Monday just to stop in at RTA just to say “Hi”, Driving by the old house, Quitting my job (maybe…maybe not), just to name a few. I have been numb for a long time. I miss who she was before all of this. I miss who we all were before this. I hate that Cooper has seen the worst of me. I miss the relationship I had with my wife. I miss our friends. I’m tired of telling everyone we are "fine" and "doing great". I hate who I have become. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
Sorry for the pitty-party but that is today in my life.
This is me closing a chapter…Tomorrow is the 16th!
6 comments:
To my warm, loving, intelligent, wonderful nephew – You’re entitled to your July 15th. No one should ever have to endure what you and your family have over these past 13 months. From watching your poor baby girl suffer from this disease and the treatments that come with it, to the sleepless nights, the money worries, the stress of a not-so-normal family life – it’s too much to ask of anyone. But I know you…you will be fine and so will your family. You will rise to the occasion and you will always do what’s right. You’re made that way.
Now that it’s July 16th, here are some things I want you to think about…first and foremost, your baby girl is growing, learning, living, loving & changing on a daily basis. So with or without leukemia, she would not be the same now as she was 13 months ago. That’s one of the tough things about being a parent – watching them grow. They change so fast. You turn around and they’re grown, with babies of their own!
Second, believe me, I know how this disease sucks, and I’m too familiar with the ugly things that come with it. But, there are some good things that come from it that you don’t want to lose sight of. I’m willing to bet that you are closer to some of your family and friends now than you would have been without this curse. I hope you feel the love and support that is out here for you and your family. And this thread of love and support doesn’t stop at close family and friends. It spreads way beyond our immediate families and friends. Also, you and Kristen have had the opportunity to truly help your cousin and his wife while they face the same terrifying threat to their child’s life. You both have been such a valuable source of support for Greg & Sheree. You have the ability to share your experiences with others, helping them through tough times. When your children are grown and they look to you and Kristen for guidance, you will be wise enough to help them because of your experiences now. And because you love them so, they will come to you for that guidance because they love you and trust you.
With warmest thoughts and so much love,
Kitty
I just read this blog before I am leaving you guys for a week. And now I'm falling apart! I know I can't fix this for you (my child) or for your family (my family) and that's the worst feeling as you now know.
I love you, I love the wife you chose, I love the children the two of you brought into this world and family. That's all I know to do for you - is love you and try to help in any way I can.
Mom
Brent I know I have never really taken the time to tell you, because I always felt that you already knew, but I think it is best to tell you! I admire you! When I was little we spent so much time together that sometimes I forget we are just cousins, I look up to you as a brother! I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but I know that you are allowed to be emotional! I also know that you are a wonderful person with a great heart, who is very strong! That is why I admire you! I love you! ~Mackenzie
I have tears in my eyes because I know what that is like and it's awful! Looking at BC (before cancer) pictures is gonna do it to you every time. I think it's a normal part of the grieving process for our previous lives we have lost. You think it gets easier as you move on down the line but the farther you get from D-Day, the farther you get from your old life...the life you will never get back...the life where you didn't have to grieve the loss of what could have been.
So have your pity party. I can't imagine there will ever come a year when you will find this date isn't burned into your memory. It's totally normal. Well, as normal as normal gets for us parents, right?
Thanks for giving me a heads up for what to expect on August 7. I know it's gonna be a tough day. I will restrain myself from looking at old pictures if I can possibly help it. :~)
And congrats on one year of treatment down! What a milestone.
If you could just pack up all that hurt and pain and put it in a box I'd take it from you and carry it for you forever. But, you can't and I can't and I feel absolutely helpless watching you and Kristen hurt. So I'm sending you tons of love, all the adoration in the world, and a promise that I will sit with you, through your pity party, every July 15th. I love you very, very much.
Brent, this is Jesse's dad. all I can say is I'm with ya! I do understand. Please dont feel like the only one out there,
from one cancer kid dad to another.
Chris.
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