1st Hospital Stay

WRITTEN BY MOMMY (KRISTEN)

I don't want to just give you a play by play of the 10 day event. Anyone who has ever stayed one night in the hospital knows it is tiring and pretty uneventful. That is other than stats, meds, talks with Docs, and thankfully for us, talking with LOTS of other people. Kosair's aims to heal the COMPLETE child and their family. So I'll give you a glimpse into the fog and fear I walked around in during that time.


The only time I left her side was for 3 hours one day and that was it. I COULD NOT leave her. I just couldn't. During the days, I was very busy doing things with her to keep her mind off of what was going on. Well, what was going on to her, that is. Every person who walked through the room for the first 3-4 days was scary for her. Even the lady who delivered the food. She eventually got to a point where anyone who entered the room, she'd ask them "Do you got any boo boo's?" Or "No boo boo's?" And if said person answered with a NO; than all was well. The alternative launched right into a crying fit. Understandably so.


That being said, I was busy with my 2 year old daughter just like I would be in ANY situation. with or without Cancer. But after listening to the diagnosis and learning everyday more and more about the disease and how to cope with it all, I physically, mentally, and emotionally went into what I can only describe as survival mode. I only heard the important things and not the nothings; like what day of the week it was, or what the weather was like outside. I only thought about getting through the next hour of the day not what she'd be like in a year from now.


And, emotionally, I never even showed any heart ache or fear while she was awake. I was being Mommy and that was that. But then, in the silent times of naps and at night, it would all hit me and I would feel my soul begin to spin. It was like I could actually feel myself begin to implode. I didn't have questions of why or how running through my mind. I couldn't make sense of any of this so I just cried and paced the floor, or cried and rocked. All silently of course; I didn't want to wake her or draw attention to myself from strangers; even though EVERYONE who works on or with 7West is amazing!!


There is only one night that I remember being extraordinarily hard. The night the Chemo was injected. It was Midnight on the nose, when the nurse walked in and suited up for Chemo treatment. She explained everything in a hushed voice, trying not to wake ViviAnne and scare her. I was reeling. Here it is….we're starting! I heard nothing but her words and memorized them exactly. I HAVE to know this. I went to ViviAnne's bedside, just in case she woke up, and she did! It was awful! She was simply tired and pissed to be awake AGAIN, and just wanted them to leave her alone. (Well actually she says,"Yeave me ayone,")


In the midst of this all, she said to me what she had been saying to us all for 3 days. She wanted to go home. But this time it was different. This time it ripped at my soul and, in typical ViviAnne fashion, she was so poised and said very clearly through her tears, "Take me home now, Mommy, please. I wanna go home now, please." And all I could say back to her was, "I wanna go home too." BECAUSE I DID!!! She ripped down the veil of fog I'd been putting up for her and we laid there, in her hospital bed, receiving her first ever Chemo treatment and both of us felt the same exact feelings of fear and wanting home.

Here I was, with my nearly 3 year old, being nearly 30 myself, and we felt the exact same way, and could only say and do the exact same things.


For the next 2 hours I lay there and held her while she slept and cried. I only cried and the same 4 words roared inside my head so loudly that I couldn't think or hear anything else, "CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" I know these words are from a Christian song I heard days prior, but it was the only part of the song I can even remember to this day. It was like my soul was breaking and screaming for God to hear it! "CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!" over and over again.

In all of this technology to help my daughter, she and I were completely stripped down to our cores and it scared me. "CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!?" again and again was all I could think. "CAN YOU HEAR ME?!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!" And I never said the words out loud but finally my soul gave up and I drifted off to sleep.


Now, I know that God did hear me because the very next night, when I was awake at mid night again, the absolute only words I could hear or think were, "THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL!" Yes another Christian song I'd heard but this time I tried to push the words out of my head. I didn't want to hear that!!

"What were those words from last night?" I thought. I couldn't remember them. I tried and tried but nothing came to mind. "Now how can I not think of those words?" I thought. THE ONLY thing that kept popping into my head is "There is light at the end of this tunnel". Again and again I tried to get those words out of my head but they wouldn't leave. "No, I'm not ready for this mentally. I'm broken. Can't you see I'm BROKEN?!?!? I want to hear something else!" I thought to myself. But the words just kept on and kept on to the point I didn't even really hear them any more I just knew they were there. They came back the next night too, but this time I smiled to hear them.

So yes, God did hear me, and I believe he was speaking to me in a sense by holding my soul together from that horrible night on. Not even permitting me to have any other words in my head except for "There is light at the end of this tunnel."

So in the quiet, when I meet my fears; because that is where they hide, when I begin to feel my inner being reel out of control, those words creep back into my head. I believe it is God's way of reminding me that He is here with us and there is sooo much more for ViviAnne at the other end of this. And, as her Mommy, I have to lead her towards the Light because she can't do it by herself.